Hello World - Goodbye World
My first, and possibly my last, blog ever.
Last Monday I woke up with a bad cold. I actually felt sick enough to tell, yes TELL, my boss I'm not working that day. I did so face to face Monday morning when I went to work an hour early to go finish some work stuff. This might sound as if I clearly was not that unwell, but I was. I really was. I have this thing called anxiety and this other thing called work ethic and this other thing called I really care what people think about me and this other thing called paranoia and when you add them all up they = a lunatic. So anyway, the TELL part was quite a big deal because I have issues phoning in sick and even determining if I am sick enough to phone in sick. I'm not dying so I can go to school kind of thing. What if they think I’m lying? Or lazy. Or overly sensitive. What if my boss regrets hiring me? No, I'll just go to work; it's easier than facing the shame of admitting I need to take time off and will be neglecting my workly duties. Lying on the couch on Monday morning I was already worrying about Tuesday because I couldn't see myself feeling better, I'd probably still be contagious, but one day away from work was already pushing it....only my second sick day in 18 months! Is the crazy showing yet?
So last Saturday evening my chest was starting to ache, and I thought: 'Great – don't tell me I've burnt my trachea because that would just be too typical of me'. In a frenzied bathroom face-off I'd filled the bathtub with hot water and tea tree oil (too much probably as breathing it in was pretty potent and it did go through my head that essential oils can burn but I read about inhaling essential oil steam all the time so if anything really it should be good for me/...should have prevented this cold in fact??), steamed every inch of unmoist air out of the room, then covered my mouth haphazardly with the Party Wave (it's a wave partying with a few girls in bikinis) t-shirt (pajama top) I was wearing while balancing with one foot on the vanity and one much higher up on the top of the shower and cleaned the mold (probably toxic) off the ceiling. While I was cheek to ceiling trying to wipe down the mold I also remember thinking: 'Great – I'm probably poisoning myself inhaling toxic mold...'. Maybe that is why I’m sick! Do you reckon the smell of old garlicy mouldy onion in your house is mold? Aaagh! Someone call me back I'm getting lost!
So the good news is I didn't burn my trachea. It was just the beginnings of my cold. Yay.
I’m thinking I'm coming off a little unbalanced here. On my first and last ever blog post.
- Good. I would feel terrible to create the wrong impression of myself and for you to find out further down the track when you've already become invested. -
But there is a reason of course. There are many in fact but the leading reason...right now...is my health. And I'm not talking about my cold. I'm hesitant to list every symptom and health problem I'm dealing with so I’ll go broad and to the issue that is challenging me in ways I'm not sure I can cope with for much longer.
* Apparently I am hosting in my stomach something called Helicobacter Pylori or H Pylori for short.
* In addition to this I'm on a treatment plan to heal my holy gut/permeable intestines/leaky gut. Whatever you call it - its broken.
I think I'm going to sign off here. I'm still deciding where to go with this blog. I don't want it to be too my dear diary and bore readers to death, but then again, when I'm researching (when am I not researching?) I often want to read about other people's similar experiences – not just how depressed they feel but their whole journey, hopefully to health! So this is where I'm going to start as it is the easiest place for me to start and at the same time it is a bit of therapy for me too.
I've already been on my treatment plan for two months but I'm sure I can stretch my memory a bit to remember how I felt before. Kidding. As if I can forget! I'm still feeling the same pretty much anyway. Two months of rigorous treatment and little to none improvement? If only I understood what each sensation in my body was telling me. If only I had some frame of reference. I have no idea how long it is meant to take to a.) get rid of the nasty little bug and b.) feel better (because I think that could take longer). All I can think is that my immune system and digestive system has taken such a knock for apparently a lot longer than I realized that it is just taking a lot more and a lot longer to see any improvement....
I'm not here to tell you how your journey will turn out or how bumpy it will be or how long it will take. I can only speak for myself and I'm not going to sugar coat it. I've felt absolutely disgusting and depressed and it is just not quite possible to explain the physical and psychological toll the effects of these health problems take. It is a dark time with intermittent rays of light but so far improvements are short lived. I had about 6 days of feeling great and almost believed that I was out the other end. Thank the Lord and then GOTCHA!!!
If you are interested to hear the boring background of the lead up to my diagnosis please go read my second blog ever. I guess I've become more optimistic in the space of writing this blog considering I'm now contemplating writing my next blog posting. The title is a bit dramatic isn't it? All first and last blog ever. That's me - I’m not going to deny that I'm a catastrophizer but sometimes it is just for comical effect. Or if I'm being really honest, being so obviously melodramatic, bringing a bit of ridiculousness into what I'm saying, is an easier way to express my fears and true feelings. Goodbye world is really just a way to make fun of the fact that I'm struggling to deal with my condition and feeling a bit hopeless about it.
So on that sobering note – thanks for reading my first blog ever. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.